Dear Me,
I know it’s been hard. I know that right now, you feel like you’ve failed at every task life has ever thrown at you. You feel worthless, used up, a waste of potential, too tired to try anymore.
I want you to know that this is not you. That tightness in your hips and throat and chest is not there because you’re a bad person and deserve to feel this way. It’s because you’ve become sore and stiffened by having to carry the weight of the world for so long.
You feel like you’re weak, but no one is supposed to carry around this kind of grief for so long. How can you choose even one thing to be sad about?
Your Dad got sick. Your Mom got sick. Your Grandma is dying. Your cousin is wasting away from cancer. Your other cousin was murdered. Your dear friend disappeared and has been missing for over a year. You got sober. Your beloved dog died in a terrible accident. You moved thousands of miles away from everything you’ve ever known to a city where you barely knew a soul. All of this over the span of two or three years. And all after years of living through a global pandemic.
Really, how can one person be expected to carry all of that? How can you expect yourself to not be affected? To shoulder all of these sadnesses, one after another, and put on a smiling face and be productive day after day?
Even the strongest person in the world couldn’t do that.
I know you feel like you’ve failed in your career. You were a fantastic bartender, and it was fun while it lasted. It’s okay to not feel connected to that life anymore or motivated to pursue it again. It’s okay to feel scared about doing something different and new. Your career does not define who you are as a person, and your worth is not equated to your productivity level. But you have to work, and it’s time to get to it.
The thing about you, my dear, is that you always find a way. Remember all of those other times you felt like you had hit rock bottom? The times when you thought to yourself, “I feel hopeless and like my life couldn’t possibly get better after this”. Think about the way you persevered. Think about all of the joys you’ve experienced in your life since then. It DID get better. And it will again.
I know you have a hard time believing in yourself. The Church is partially to blame, making you believe you are a wicked person ever since you were a little girl. That you were born bad, and you need to spend the rest of your life making up for your innately evil character.
The real sin is letting little children believe this nonsense.
You were born innocent.
You are still innocent.
You deserve peace. You deserve love. You deserve to succeed in life. No one wants to see you lose.
But sometimes, the most painful part isn’t the losing- it’s the trying to win.
So go through the pain. Stop shying away from it. Stop giving up when things get tough. You’ve earned a reputation as someone who has big dreams but no follow-through.
It’s time to flip the script.
You are capable, smart, and brave. Even if right now you feel weak, cowardly, and unable to take one more step.
You are more than your sadness.
You deserve happiness.
But please, for the sake of the future you who will be reading this letter at some later time,
You have to try.
Can you do that for me?
Please?
I know you don’t believe in yourself right now, but someday you’ll read this letter and be proud of how far you’ve come since this moment.
Sending all my love,
Laura
Norse Western 